What I've Learned Caring for my Oma

 

"Quarter plate hand coloured ambrotype of an older lady (detail)" by whatsthatpicture is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

About once a week, I go over to my 81 year old grandmother's house and clean the bathroom. My aunt goes over there much more often; I go to give her a hand and give my Oma a chance to visit with her great granddaughters. 

She still lives alone, but has an older sister that lives next door. The two of them are both in the early stages of dementia. Not enough to not be alone overnight, but enough that they need extra help with housework, cooking, and things like that. 

I'm not in a position where I can do much more than I am now for their care; as a granddaughter I'm low in the pecking order (no authority), and as a mother to three young children I already have my hands as full as I can manage. But I think I can still confidently say I've learned a lot. 

Here's some things I've learned about life habits and aging. 

Stuff

- Don't keep things that are worn out, redundant, out of date, or that you've already updated or replaced more than once. Throw them away or give them to the thrift store. 

My aunt and I have thrown away trash bags full of broken toys (some dating back to the 70s and 80s... including a surprisingly large amount of Malibu Barbies with missing limbs) and given away pounds and pounds of old clothes. We've made a dent, but the house is still full of redundant electronics (not all of which work), old board games, sewing notions, encyclopedias that list Germany as two countries, and pots with broken handles. 

-Heirloom furniture is not going to be special to your descendents unless you pass down the story of whose it was and where it came from AND it's well made/something actually useable. 

My aunt has started to make a point of telling me the story of several pieces of furniture in the house. She'll point to an old cabinet or table and say, "someone has to know the stories behind where this stuff came from. Otherwise it'll just get thrown away." 

- Burn those candles and use those fancy soaps and bubble bath. Drink that fancy tea or hot cocoa in the mug you got from your co-worker at Christmas.  Don't save them, use them now. If you don't like the scent or taste, go ahead and get rid of it. 

If you don't, it's just going to sit there in the package for a few years and get dusty and nasty and unusable and someone will have to throw it away. 

- Collectables and knick nacks breed like rabbits. If you don't love it or have a place to display it, GET RID OF IT.  

We've found a lot of very nice collectable pieces hidden behind mountains of other collectibles, or in cabinets or perched on top of bookcases. Very few of them are in a place they can be enjoyed or viewed; they just take up space. 

 And for the record, collectable Barbie packaging from the 80s does NOT age well. 

Living with Dementia

- When you get old, the stuff you collected as a toddler becomes interesting again. Not toys, but things like interesting rocks, acorns, or snail shells. The action of picking up small, pretty things and wanting to keep them becomes something you want to spend time doing again. 

- Small children and babies are real playmates and wonders. Oma will spend an hour or two playing Lincoln Logs or tea party with Little Girl or letting her help do the dishes (the one type of housework she still does regularly) or holding and playing with Bitty Baby. 

Little Girl and Oma connect on a very deep level and genuinely enjoy each other's company. Oma struggles to connect with other adults now. There's a lot of what I call "loops" in her conversations where she tells the same story over and over again. When she and Little Girl interact though, she breaks free of the loops. They play pretend together and she's able to participate in give and take with her and interact in a more open ended way. 

- Executive function things that children are bad at remembering to do, old people are bad at remembering to do too. Things like hanging up jackets, putting away things like the broom or mop, and changing clothes without being prompted. 

- Cleaning a bathroom that two small children have used and that two adults with early onset dementia have used is a pretty similar experience.

 That's all I have to say about that. 

- Action loops become a thing. Doing the same thing repeatedly or becoming trapped in the middle of an activity unsure if you're starting or finishing it (was I packing or unpacking this bag?) becomes something that can happen. 

It's all been enough to make me think about my own hoarding and habits now, and it's made me think about planning out who will be responsible for my care when I get to that stage. Seems odd to be thinking about this already in my late twenties on one hand, but on the other hand, this is likely where I'll end up if I'm lucky enough to make it to an old age. 

The only thing sure in life is that eventually it ends, and that much of what we think we are, our accomplishments, education, and sense of independence, will be stripped away. Whether that begins to happen in this life or only begins when we start the next one, a little planning for it is probably not a bad thing.