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Disclaimer: I am not a therapist nor am I a mental health professional. The following are observations and conclusions that I have come to as a result of my own experience and from listening to the stories of others who have also experienced sexual abuse at the hands of a priest.
We need to have an honest conversation about what a healthy relationship between a priest and a lay woman looks like. There are a lot of opportunities for abuse of power in those relationships, even those with women that don't fall under the commonly understood definitions of vulnerable.
In recent years, there has been a lot of attention paid to underaged victims of clerical abuse, and this is a good thing. These stories have laid dormant in many cases for far, far too long, and it is good that they are being brought out into the light.
Something that is very rarely talked about, however, are cases where priests abuse adults. These cases are more common than many people realize, and they need to be acknowledged. Women need to seriously consider what boundaries they ought to have in place so that they can recognize grooming and abuse for what it is.
I understand that this is not an easy conversation to have. No one wants to think that any priest would seek to use or abuse us. No one wants to entertain the thought that they would be taken advantage of for someone’s emotional or sexual gain, or that a priest would break his vows and betray what is, in many respects, a deeply personal and intimate relationship.
But the truth is that priests are people too. They're fallen mortals like the rest of us, and sometimes they break their vows. Sometimes they become wolves that ravage the flock rather than shepherds that guard it.
Often the men who perpetrate this abuse are charismatic, talented priests who have the devotion and loyalty of their parishes-- not bitter, sour, isolated men, but genuinely charming, sociable, popular people. I don't know why these men sometimes choose to hurt those they should defend with their lives, why they choose to desecrate the sacrament of confession with their lusts, or why the dioceses they serve in so often turn a blind eye until forced by a civil suit to do otherwise. But I know for a fact that they do.
Since my own experience with a shepherd who decided to become a wolf, these are the boundaries I have set to keep myself safe.
Before I begin, please note that in no way should these become a litany of blame on those who have fallen prey to these wolves in shepherd's clothing. As someone who has survived this type of abuse, I have first hand knowledge of how hurtful it can be when you are blamed for the choice that someone else made to hurt you. Priests, by the very nature of their vocation, are often called to be present in many of the vulnerable and intimate moments of our lives, and they are privy to much of our private lives in the confessional. In certain circumstances, they are even called to be alter Christus to us, to dispense the sacramental grace of Christ. Those they serve are in a vulnerable position relative to them. They usually have the greater power in the relationship, and they bear the responsibility for breaking their vows.
Recognize as well that it’s totally possible to do everything “right” and still be taken advantage of.
That said, I do think having a conversation about what our right relationship with priests ought to be and look like helps us recognize when something is not as it should be, and can be helpful to those trying to protect themselves and their families. I think the conversation has been neglected, and I think that people have suffered because of that.
First and foremost, it's important to recognize that, except for extremely isolated cases, abuser priests spend a fair amount of time grooming their intended targets (and often the family and close friends of their targets) by bending and breaking societal, personal, and emotional boundaries long before they break any physical ones. This usually isn't an overnight process, but takes place over the course of weeks, or even months and years.
Therefore, the first line of defense against enabling abuse is to set and maintain clear personal boundaries with the priests in your life. There are certain contexts and situations that priests should never be invited into, even ones you like and trust or consider friends.
Just as it’s probably not a good idea to be in a house or hotel room alone with a male friend, it’s a bad idea to be in this situation with a priest. This includes ones you feel close to and trust, and it includes people who see their priest friend as their father or brother. I cannot emphasize this enough, any situation you would feel uncomfortable in with a male friend or acquaintance, you should avoid with a priest too, even ones you trust. The obvious exception being the sacrament of Reconciliation (since my sexual assault actually happened in a confessional, I tend to be extremely cautious even with that. I’ll elaborate more on that in a moment). All the risk factors that are in place with any other male friend are every bit as present with friends that are priests.
It's important to note here that it is a good, healthy thing to have priests as friends. They are people too, and they need healthy friendships to maintain a healthy mental and emotional state, just as the rest of us do. There's nothing wrong with maintaining friendships with someone who happens to be a priest. But those of us who are friends of priests should avoid making our confessor or spiritual adviser those same friends.
Here's a comparison to illustrate why. In the medical and mental health professions, there are certain ethical guidelines in place, guidelines that if broken could result in the loss of a licence to practice that profession. Some of these guidelines forbid doctors or counselors from taking on patients that are friends and family.
One of the primary reasons these rules exist is because the patient becomes much, much easier to manipulate and take advantage of when they already have a pre-existing familial or otherwise close relationship with their doctor or therapist. These professions inherently involve very intense vulnerability on the part of the patient. When that vulnerability is coupled with extensive involvement in that person's personal life, it’s easy to see how powerful the doctor or counselor could suddenly become. The power dynamic becomes very unbalanced, very quickly.
A similar thing happens when we allow priests we're friends with to also be our regular confessors or spiritual directors. These priests suddenly gain a HUGE amount of influence over us in a very short amount of time, even if they keep their vow to maintain the seal of the confessional. They gain this power over us simply because we trust them with this huge, integral part of our lives, and there’s a lot of emotional vulnerability that goes with that. When that’s coupled with the casual intimacy of friendship, things can become very emotionally intense very, very quickly. When people are in a state of high emotion, they become much easier to manipulate (this is something every salesman, courtroom lawyer, and con man knows...it’s easier to get people to do what you want if they’re emotionally invested).
In a perfect world, we would be able to trust priests, Christ’s ministers on Earth, as we would Christ, and this wouldn't be a problem. But we don't live in a perfect world; we live in one populated entirely by sinners subject to the pull of concupiscence, and that includes priests.
Of course it's fine to be friends with a priest, just as it's fine to have a friend who is a doctor or therapist. But just as we would be forbidden to seek professional services from them, we ought to forbid ourselves from seeking particular vocational services from priests who are our personal friends.
(I recognize that there are some very particular circumstances, such as the mission field where the only priest around for hundreds of miles is also the one that you work day to day with, and of course friendships are going to naturally spring up out of those sorts of circumstances. I think in these situations though, the importance of keeping very strict boundaries becomes even more important than otherwise. There should be an agreement between the priest and those working with them that certain lines, lines that would be innocent in another context, won't be crossed).
What this means on a practical level is that you should not "hang out" with your regular confessor or spiritual director. They should not be someone that you go out to dinner with or socialize with one on one, neither should they be someone who regularly socializes one on one with your family, or with anyone in your immediate family (abuser priests will often groom the entire immediate family of their intended victim).
If you have a workplace relationship with a priest, especially one where they are your superior such as in campus ministry or a parish office, you should probably find someone else to hear your confession or to dispense spiritual advice. Those situations put you in a situation that’s extremely vulnerable, and it creates a possible conflict of interest for the priest.
A confessor or spiritual adviser should be seen only in that context, or if your spiritual director is your parish priest, only in parish or other very public contexts.
In a world where we have a shortage of priestly vocations, I recognize that this becomes more difficult, and I know that it's necessary to support our parish priests with our friendship even if they're the only priests we have access to for spiritual direction. I don't have all the answers on how to balance these two realities while still keeping appropriate boundaries, I wish that I did.
I do think that in many cases it would be appropriate (for women in particular) to seek spiritual direction from a lay spiritual director or from a religious sister and keep the sacrament of confession a "list 'em off" type affair so that a healthy relational balance can be maintained.
These boundaries become useful for identifying potentially compromising situations when you keep them, but the other person in the relationship does not. If a priest constantly and consistently disrespects, pushes, or disregards your boundaries, even in ways that seem minor, then this is a red flag and a sign that you need to keep your distance from them or even sever the relationship completely. If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior in your mind, or blaming yourself for being uncomfortable with something that they did, then you need to get away from them.
This is something that I really wish I had known prior to my own abuse. As I mentioned earlier, my abuse happened while I was in confession with my abuser. I had been seeing him for regular confession for a couple years, and he pushed and stretched the boundaries of our relationship for a long time before the actual assault happened.
He would do things like poke his head around the partition in the confessional when I knelt down the behind the screen, we’d have conversations about things not related to confession, and he would ask for detailed recountings of my sexual sins (priests don’t need to know this information. All they need to know is what (in broad terms) and how many times. That’s it. If they’re asking you for a detailed play by play, that’s a red flag). I made excuses for him by figuring he was just being friendly and that my uncomfortableness with his questions meant that there was something wrong with me, some sort of ‘growth’ that I needed to work through. Besides, he had been the only one who had ever been able to help me with my severe scruples.
If you feel uncomfortable in a situation with a priest, even a priest who has given you good advice or real help in the past, you have the right to find another director or confessor. If you constantly find yourself making excuses or blaming yourself for your priest’s behavior, you have the right to get away from them.
I truly wish I had known that, and had acted on it.
It rips my heart out that we even have to have this discussion. The Church and our sacramental encounters with priests ought to be solely a place where we meet the mercy and love of Christ, never a place where our trust is betrayed.
But alas we live in a fallen world, which is why we need the mercy of Christ in the first place
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