Confessions of a Cynical Catholic

Image Credit: Denison Family, copyrighted. Used with permission. 

"Well," said the... Dwarf..."I don't know how all you chaps feel, but I feel I've heard as much about Aslan as I want to for the rest of my life." 

"That's right, that's right," growled the other Dwarfs. "It's all a plant, all a blooming plant."

"What do you mean?" said Tirian...

"You must think we're blooming soft in the head, that you must," said Griffle. "We've been taken in once and now you expect us to be taken in again the next minute. We've no more use for stories about Aslan, see!" 

--- C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle


There's a chapter in C.S. Lewis's book The Last Battle where a group of dwarves reject any attempt to convince them of the reality of Aslan (Narnia's Christ figure) after being taken in by a con artist pretending to speak for Aslan. 

Why should they believe these people saying they stand for Aslan when the last people who said so used them so horribly? Heck, why should they believe Aslan even exists? 

I keep thinking about that scene more and more as I work on navigating the surprisingly weird, complicated world of healing from misuse and abuse in the Church. The cynicism the dwarves display in that passage resonates with me a lot. When people I know who have been hurt in the Church echo those sentiments, there's very little I can say against it that won't seem to ring hollow. 

I'm pretty cynical about people in power in the Church. I think many bishops have dropped the ball, looked the other way, or willingly participated in covering up abuse. I've known good priests, but I tend to keep most of them at arm's length from me and my family because I've also known bad ones. I don't even trust the vast majority of the office staff of the dioceses in the United States, there's just too many horror stories out there of people coming to them for help and being let down or betrayed in some way. 

So, why am I still Catholic? 

Because really, at the end of the day, there's nowhere else I can go without lying to myself. 

It's hard to explain, but there have been too many "coincidences" in my life, to many indications that God is, in fact, here. I know that the choice to believe is just that, a choice, but it's a choice that's ingrained in my very being. Belief in God is a part of who I am and not something I can deny or destroy without living in an untenable reality or fundamentally changing who I am as a person. 

Ok, so I believe in God. Why does that mean that I have to remain Catholic? 

The downside of being an apologetics and Church history nerd is that I can see the logic of the Catholic faith, and I can see where other Christian faith traditions, both Protestant and Orthodox, have departed from that logic. The fullness of truth and the fullness of the Sacraments are found in the Catholic Church. I can't really escape that fact. 

 If I am to be a Christian, this is it for me. There's nowhere else I can go and remain loyal to Christ, not if I'm honest with myself. I could compromise and attend a Baptist church (and I would be lying if I didn't admit that the idea has been very appealing lately), but I wouldn't be able to escape the fact that I was making compromises and allowances, that I wasn't actually following Christ whole heartedly, but trying to force Him to have a relationship with me on my terms. 

I don't want to do that. It would be possible, I suppose, to continue to have a prayer life and some sort of relationship with Christ, but it wouldn't be what it's supposed to be. I believe that the stories in the Bible are true, but the only way I can believe those are true is to believe in the Church that created the Bible. 

(This is not to pass judgement on those who have joined those churches, or even those who have left the Catholic Church to join them. For some, I think that the choice to join them might spring from a very real desire to be closer to Christ and to give their all for Him, and I think many in those churches are very holy people who do their best to "sell out" for Christ. It just wouldn't be true in my particular case, much as I might wish it to be). 

So, because I believe in God, and because I see no other way that He has passed down His truth except in the Catholic Church, there's nowhere else I can go. 

I'm not particularly happy about it. If there was any other alternative I felt I could take without compromising myself, I would take it in a heartbeat. 

It is because there is nowhere else to go that what some of the priests and bishops of the Church have chosen to do, to devour their flock rather than guard and guide them, is so very evil. Because the fullness of truth is in the Catholic Church, those of us who believe are held more or less at the mercy of the leadership, even when the leadership is abusing us. They are, in effect, holding their flocks and the Sacraments hostage. 

In any situation where one person holds power over another or one is weaker than another, they have a greater responsibility to those under their care than otherwise. If I were to punch my adult sibling in the face it would be wrong, but it would be far less serious than if I punched my small child in the face. If my co-worker called me horrible names and blurted out something I stated in confidence to them in public they would be in the wrong, but it would cause far more damage to me if my therapist did the same thing.  

In situations where a parish priest is exploiting one of his parishioners (sexually or otherwise), even one  who is the same age and intellectual ability as him, it's a far worse offense than if the priest were another member of the laity. He wields a lot of influence over a huge part of his victim's life.

 This is a truth that isn't commonly understood by many, either by the bishops in power or by the laity. Often, the victim of the abuse doesn't even fully understand it, at least not at first. But the truth is that priests are there at  many of our most emotionally and spiritually vulnerable moments, and with that comes an enormous amount of potential power over our lives. This is something that is inherent to their vocations: we often need them to be present in those moments. But, more than once, I have seen a priest who used this vulnerability entrusted to them to groom and dominate rather than guide and heal (this is why being able to identify and maintain strong and healthy boundaries is so important, so that you can recognize when it's happening and get away from that person before it becomes too difficult). 

Despite all this I remain Catholic, but a skeptical, suspicious Catholic. I will show obedience to the right authority of the priests and bishops (right authority being that which is not immoral for them or for me), and I'll occasionally become vulnerable again when it's needed, but I will not do it for their sake. I'm doing it for the sake of the God that asks it of me, and for no other reason. 

I have come to see more and more that the hierarchy of the Church is made up of men. Just normal, fallen, run-of-the-mill men. Her teachings, taught from the moral authority of the bishops, may be always good and true, but I will not see her ministers as automatically so. 

So I'll stay in the pew, grumbling under my breath occasionally, but there nonetheless. 

It still counts, right? Gentle as doves, cunning as serpents.