How to avoid a divorce in a nutshell--
Don't marry a jackass.
Now for the longer version.
Before I say anything else, I need to clarify that I understand that sometimes people change, and there's nothing that can be done to change them. They might react to the stresses of life badly, or they might get conked on the head and undergo a personality change, or maybe they were just really, really good at hiding their particular brand of crazy prior to marrying them (in which case, according to Catholic teaching, there isn't a real marriage there in the first place, and you can get it annulled). You can't see the future, and you don't know who people will ultimately choose to be.
But there are many, many situations where people walk down the aisle alongside someone who they have no business marrying from the get-go. They didn't talk about important life issues ahead of time, they thought that the other person would change, or they rationalized some behavior. Whatever the reason, they ended up with someone that henceforth would make their life a living hell.
(By the way, it is NEVER too late to leave an abusive relationship, even after your wedding. Your basic human dignity and rights are important, and leaving to preserve them isn't a sin, even if you've been married to the person for awhile. But it will be more complicated after you've been married and maybe have children, so it's better to discern that beforehand if at all possible.)
So before you get married, do me a favor. Do me a few favors, actually.
1.) Ask yourself a few questions.
Do you think you can change the person you're marrying? Are there a few things about them that make you feel really uncomfortable, but you think you can work around or change? Are there things you can't see eye to eye on and haven't yet resolved like having children, what religious practice in the home will look like, about how to manage money, or about men's and women's roles in a marriage? Do they ever pressure you to do sexual things that you don't want to do? Do they ever keep pressuring you to do or say certain things until they get their way, even if you said 'no'? Do they have a habit with pornography or do they express their anger through emotional outbursts or violence? Do you ever feel scared of them or what they might do? Do they ever dismiss or belittle your concerns by convincing you it's all in your head or that it's not a big deal? Do they have a habit of belittling or embarrassing you in front of others (even if they say they're 'just kidding')? Do any of these questions ring a bell?
DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
If you cannot resolve serious differences, that is a red flag. Do not get married (at least until you can resolve them--NEVER get married assuming that the other person will change). If they express anger in a way that makes you feel afraid or like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid a repeat outburst, that is a HUGE BLINKING NEON red flag--do not get married. If they won't respect your 'no', that is a HUGE BLINKING NEON flag that is ON FIRE-- RUN!
And do not get married.
I don't care how much you're about to lose on your reception hall deposit, or the amount of emotional investment you've put into this person --WALK AWAY. It hurts, but it'll hurt much less than a divorce or an abusive marriage will down the road.
2.) Find someone who will actually give you decent marriage prep.
A lot of parishes are unfortunately sorely lacking in this regard-- as long as you're not living together (or at least don't outright tell them you're living together) they'll consider you 'good to go' and rubber stamp you through.
Avoid these people like the plague.
It is really important that you find someone who will challenge you and ask you questions like, "Have you talked about how you'll raise your kids?" and "Do you know what the Church teaches about chastity in marriage and what that means? Explain it to me. Let's see if you two are on the same page." Find someone who will help you explore your relationship and find the weak spots. You need to talk about the 'big stuff' NOW, and you need to find someone who will help you do that.
If you can't find someone to do this, invest in a good marriage book or curriculum (or two, or three...) and go through them together. This one and this one are both good places to start.
3.) Educate yourself on what the church teaches about divorce and annulment-- before you get married.
This will be another step you can take to help you find more areas that might need addressing before you tie the knot, and it gives you a more complete picture of what you're actually getting into. Catholics don't allow divorce-- once you're married, you're married. You can leave and get a civil divorce if your spouse gets abusive towards you or your children (and you should), but you can't re-marry. Marriage in the Church is a permanent commitment in that it lasts until one spouse dies.
(An annulment is not a divorce-- it's a statement from a church tribunal saying there was never a marriage to begin with. Reasons for this include one spouse hiding something major from the other (thus rendering actual consent to be married impossible), because the marriage was never consummated, or for another reason (I'm not a canon lawyer, so I'm sure I'm missing a reason or two). Only those with a deceased spouse or a decree of nullity on their former marriage can get re-married in the Church).
4.) Stop having sex before you get married.
Not because it's "sinful", but because those hormones really get in the way of rational decision making. Sex hormones are there to bind the man and woman together and blind them to the not-so-great parts of one another. This is great in a marriage...not so great when you're trying to figure out if marriage is actually a good idea.
Regardless on whether you agree with the Church on this one or not, cutting out sex will give you more objectivity on the relationship. Everyone knows that one couple who stays together for the sex even though they're a horrible match for each other, or even though one is outright abusive towards the other. It may not be quite as obvious in your case, but there may still be serious issues that are being covered up or glossed over. It's a good idea to take a break and objectively take a look at how you relate to one another without using that hormonal bonding as a crutch.
(And if you're afraid you'll break up if you stop having sex...this is a serious red flag. Run. There are always times where having sex is impossible, even in a marriage, and issues will always make themselves felt one way or another even if you're still having sex all the time. You need to be able to get by and like each other without sex).
5.) Trust your gut.
Even if you've checked everything off the list, if something doesn't feel right, or if for some reason the idea of getting married to this person fills you with a sense of dread, than make an honest effort to figure out why. Don't ignore the feeling. It may even be that the person you're engaged to is a good person with no 'red flags' or major issues...but not the right person. And it's ok to admit that and walk away.
Talk to an objective third party if you can. Make sure that what you're going through isn't just a case of "cold feet"-- those are common and happen even if you're marrying the right person. But if you feel that there's something more to it than that, don't be afraid to investigate and act on it.
And remember that before you get married, you can always walk away.
After you get married, it's no longer quite as simple.
This was inspired by this post by Simcha Fisher. Worth a read if this subject is one that you have an interest in.
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